Couples have many complaints about their relationship communication. One common one is that their partner is making a mountain out of a molehill. This is usually said dismissively. A justification is then given to cast the partner as unreasonable. I’m going to review some of those reasons in brief, refute each of them, and end with a general idea that you can use if you think your partner is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
She’s a Woman
There are a lot of ways that this comes up in sessions. Sometimes, a person accuses their female partner of being “emotional,” or sometimes the reaction is blamed on “that time of the month”, or on the woman’s perimenopausal symptoms, or sometimes a simple dismissal like, “She’s being irrational”. These same accusations are very rarely leveled at male partners in my practice.
Whether a woman is highlighting challenges in her relationship at one time in her menstrual cycle or during one phase of her reproductive years is an entirely insufficient means of dismissing the complaint. Just because a woman might bring something up at one time in her cycle doesn’t mean the complaint doesn’t have merit. In fact, this time in her cycle might be well-suited to address the challenge. In many cases, pointing to a menstrual cycle or perimenopause often becomes an excuse for dismissing any complaint, and therefore, it has no substance. In skillful relationship communication, partners listen to complaints, grant them validity (emotional and otherwise), and earnestly seek a remedy if one is possible.
She or He is Just Stressed Out
When we experience stress, there are two things to keep in mind. First, a person under pressure from one domain of life may seek solace and comfort in another. So, a person facing work-related stress may ask for more support, comfort, or investment from their significant other(s) to help reduce their overall stress and workload. In some cases, this may mean that the person under stress makes a bigger issue out of something than it has been in the past. Therefore, in effective relationship communication, we demonstrate compassion for the partner, validate the need, identify what isn’t working, understand the interrelationship of the stress and the need (without dismissing it), and then try to find a way to resolve the challenge.
Second, a person under stress in one domain of life may become more sensitive to minor problems in another. So, your partner may have always been bothered by how you don’t put dirty socks in the hamper. When there was less residual stress, it may have been easy to let this annoyance go without bringing it up. Now, however, with added stress coming in, there is less energy available for tolerating dirty socks. A compassionate response is to validate the concern and make an effort to respond to it (at least while the stress remains high).
This Never Used to Be a Problem
Things change in relationships all the time. After 5 or 15 or 35 years in a relationship, you aren’t the same person that you were when you began the relationship, and neither is your partner. The discovery of a new complaint is a good time to learn how your partner, their values, or their needs have changed. If you take the time for this discernment, you may find and preempt additional challenges. For example, the socks may be what is being talked about, but what really is going on is that your partner’s sense of aesthetics has changed, and the entryway, the color of the drapes, and the way they dress are all going to change, too. In other words, even if “This never used to be a problem,” it may now be one, and denying the reality of it now isn’t going to help anyone.
This Isn’t a Big Deal
One definition of love that I heard recently is that the things that are important to your partner become important to you, too. So the statement, “This isn’t a big dea,l” cuts directly against that connection. If your partner is making a big deal out of it, then it is a big deal to them. If you deny the validity of the need, you create an instant separation between you. Instead, find the generosity to identify that though this isn’t as important to you, it is important to your partner. Get curious about why this is the case, and learn to adapt.
Mole Hills Matter
As you develop better relationship communication skills, you find yourself thinking, “This molehill is clearly important to my partner today. So, how can I soothe them?” You have entered into a validating stance toward your partner. Most often, in my experience, molehills become mountains because they weren’t paid attention to while they were just molehills. Even if something isn’t as important to you, you can improve your relationship communication by validating your partner’s experience, learning what the value underneath the mole hill is, and then figuring out how to support your partner in that value.
If your partner needs help learning to validate you and you live in California, Contact Me.
