Therapy for Men

I’ve participated in men’s teams and a circle of men for years. So, I appreciate the deep resonance that comes when men sit together, heart to heart. When men get vulnerable with each other, we break the narrow ideas about what it means to be a man. When I provide therapy for men, I help them cultivate integrity and tenderness. Here’s a brief description of some common challenges I assist men with:

Relationship Therapy for Men

Whatever your sexual orientation, being a man in a relationship can feel like getting pulled in three directions at once. On the one hand, you may get a lot of messages telling you to be tough, not a wuss, and that men are rational. On the other hand, you have all the messages from culture or your partner, such as being romantic, a good lover, and emotionally attuned. Before we ever get to the third way you’re pulled, we can already notice that these first two directions are pulling you into different ways of being.

But even if we could find a way to reconcile those competing ideas about a good male partner, that third direction is always the kicker. Because underneath all your desires to be a good man and your best attempts to figure out what that means and then do it, there’s the inevitable reality that you are a whole, multidimensional, beautiful, and flawed human being with your own wants, needs, and emotions.

If we work together, I’ll help you sort through the noise, clarify your nature, help you find acceptance of that nature, and teach you to lovingly offer authentic connection while you also set boundaries with your partner and the world about their ideas about what you should be.

Sexual Issue Therapy for Men

The most common thread in therapy for men about sexual issues is shame. We, men, seem to experience shame about anything and everything about our sexuality. I’ve worked with men ashamed about how much sex they want and ashamed about how little. I’ve helped men relieve shame about kinky desires and about the fact that they’re too vanilla. Too much performance, too little performance, arriving too early, arriving too late, too much solo play, or requests from a partner to go do more and leave them alone.

Sometimes our sexual behavior is the problem. But, often, the problem is that we’re not living up to someone else’s idea of what our sexuality should be. Loving men often just want to fix it, to make our partners happy. We want to fix it so we can stop being judged for it, stop hurting those we love with it, and so the people we love feel loved. I have both the expertise to fix what can be fixed and the capacity to help you find your path to being a good lover. I can also help you remove shame. That way, even if your sexuality doesn’t fit the expectations of someone else, you can be content.

Working on sexual issues in therapy for men is one of my strongest areas of expertise. I’m the author of the multi-award-winning The Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex, and I’ve been on dozens of podcasts talking about men’s sexuality in affirming and celebratory ways.

Finding Meaning from Work, or Balance With It

Since others often use income or career to measure our value, it is natural be self-conscious about work. I’ve seen men feeling shame in my office for not working enough and for working too much. As men, we’re often tempted to get so involved in developing career expertise that we forget to develop relationship expertise. We need to find balance by ensuring our values and our work behavior are aligned. Together, we’ll look at your values, the risks you face down different choice paths, and help you make decisions that you can stand by.

Trauma Therapy for Men

Since one of the key defining aspects of the “man box” is that we’re supposed to be strong, it can be hard to admit when we’ve experienced trauma or violations. Since men are so often vilified for committing domestic violence, if you’re the victim of it, you may feel overlooked. Because men are often vilified for violating consent, you may feel conflicted about whether your consent was violated. And if you were traumatized by a man, you may feel conflicted about your male identity.

For example, you may not want to associate with being a man or be friends with other men if your traumatizer was one. And if your trauma was caused by a woman, you may feel ashamed about not being able to stop it, whether you were small or big.

I help men process these conflicted feelings, settle the shaking muscles, soothe the painful stories, and quiet the terror men often feel about opening up and emptying the hurt locker. When I provide therapy for men, we’re also often repairing a man’s relationship to himself. For example, you need to be treated with kindness by a man before you can see yourself as deserving kindness from other men.

We can open the pain in a way that won’t overwhelm you. We can work to reclaim the man you would have been without the traumas that are weighing on your heart.

Anger

The cliché is that men are allowed two emotions: anger and desire. And since we’re not allowed to feel anything else, all the other feelings come out as one of these two. Most negative emotions, like sadness, pain, or fear, will come out as anger. If you’re getting negative feedback at work or at home about your anger, I can help you uncover the vulnerability behind it. I’ll teach you skills, so you have choices about how to express those other feelings. In therapy for men, I help men find more skillful ways to protect what they love.

It took strength to search for and read this page, but you don’t have to be strong alone anymore. Contact me to get help from an expert in therapy for men.