Open Up (Eww, Not That Way)
With some regularity in my practice, partners of men bring him into couple therapy with the complaint, “He’s emotionally closed off” or “I don’t know what’s going on inside of him.” This is usually paired with the request, “I’d like you to help him open up.”
This makes sense. Many men are emotionally closed down. It isn’t just conservative men or men from strict religious backgrounds either. Plenty of men from progressive, educated, or upper-class backgrounds hide their feelings, too. This certainly damages the man’s relationships, especially his romantic or sexual relationships.
But with some regularity, something happens when the men I’m working with open their hearts for the first time in my office. The partner who had been begging for connection with his intimate and tender feelings responds with one of the following:
1. Criticism, “You shouldn’t feel that way,”
2. Evasion of responsibility, “I have a right to my feelings,” or
3. Dismissal, “Well, that’s not my fault.”
There’s a principle in relationship systems at play here, and we can learn a lot by examining this pattern.
Principle:
When a person grows emotionally, it will present a growth imperative to the people in their life.
This principle was in action in the first place. That’s what brought them to my office. When one partner drags the other into my office, it is because they have grown enough to stop tolerating an unsatisfying relationship or they have accepted they couldn’t make the change happen on their own. Their emotional growth brought a growth imperative to man in their life, “Open up your heart.”
And then he did. He grew. He found his feelings and what he finds first is often pain: “I’ve felt criticized by you,” “You never create space for my feelings,” or “You ask for emotional support, but when I ask for it, you emasculate me.” This complaint from him will often come out unskillfully because he isn’t used to sharing his big emotions. The partner may not be used to vulnerable complaints. So, they criticize, evade responsibility, or dismiss.
Radicalized manosphere influencers will take this process and declare, “Women say they want vulnerable men, but they don’t.” I cannot disagree more. In that moment, men who are opening up are like cave dwellers complaining that the sun is too bright. We’re at risk of withdrawing into the cave again, instead of acclimating to the light.
When you open up, two things may be true at the same time:
- You need to learn how to give feedback in a skillful way that keeps your partner open to receiving it. AND
- Your partner may need to develop the ability to tolerate your critique or the change in relationship dynamics.
This may not feel fair. You might feel like, “So, wait, you hurt me. That’s why I’m shut down. Yes, I’m having a hard time saying it kindly. That’s because I’ve been hurting for a long time. And now, you expect me to BOTH figure out how to feel AND figure out how to communicate my feelings gently at the same time?” And you’re right, it is unfair.
It is also the way of things. When anyone does work, it seems that the only way to get others to keep relating to you and treat you with compassion is to process your pain with grace and gentleness. If you think about it, this is the same thing you needed earlier in your relationship. When your partner told you the things that closed you down, if they had said them more kindly and more gently, it would have been easier for you to keep your heart open.
On the other hand, if you don’t care about staying in the relationship, you can be as uninhibited in your anger as you like.
