Stuck in patterns? Trouble getting over old hurts? Hoping it isn’t too late? Couples therapy can help. Couples therapy can unstick the stuck, heal the hurt, and affirm your commitment to each other. Based in the South Bay, I have served couples in Mountain View, Palo Alto, Los Altos, Menlo Park, and Sunnyvale since my practice began in 2011. I’ve been serving clients throughout California via secure telehealth since 2020.
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If you’re looking for more information before reaching out, you’ll find out more about how I help couples below.
I could tell you that the toolkit I use comes mostly from Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or that I’m deeply informed by the work of David Schnarch and Virginia Satir, but it won’t mean much to most people. You want to know what you’ll see in the session.
We have to interrupt your old patterns when they show up in session. A firm but gentle “Stop” protects you from your partner using that tone with you. That same “Stop” halts you from approaching your partner in ways that prevent you from getting the warmth and love you want from them.
If you’re talking, you’ll most often see me looking at your partner. I’m watching for any signs in their facial expression, muscle movements, or breathing that they are getting closer to you emotionally or further away while you are talking. Either way, I’ll help you spot the same thing so you can stop pushing them away and instead draw them in.
I might teach box breathing, physical self-soothing practices, or even stop both of you from talking and put my hand on my chest to soothe myself for a brief moment. I can’t regulate your nervous system if mine is dysregulated. But I can teach you how to regulate yours by regulating mine in front of you. Regulating yourself is an essential skill for being in any relationship.
Okay, you caught me, this is just another way to regulate the nervous systems. But humor is so effective and unexpectedly fun that it deserves calling out. Look, couples therapy can be hard and painful. If we can laugh our way through it, it will feel a lot easier.
If you haven’t been in couples therapy before, you may be surprised at how different it can be from individual therapy. Individual therapy often includes a lot of affirmation and support. Couples therapy often requires more direct intervention, teaching, corrective guidance, and challenging encouragement to help you adopt a way of being that allows a connection to emerge between you.
A fundamental principle of couples therapy is that you bring into the session the ways of behaving that don’t work. Then I teach you how to relate in a way that works. But therapy isn’t complete until you are practicing those good skills outside of the office. I give homework assignments to help you consciously begin practicing connecting behaviors outside of the office.
Personally, I’ve been with my wife for 30 years now, and we’ve been married for almost 26. With 3 kids (1 launched so far), we’ve been through a lot together. We’ve had ups and downs and been in couples therapy together three times. You don’t hang in there without having to recover from some hurts in both directions. But we still like, love, and respect each other.
Professionally, I’ve been in private practice for 15 years now. I’ve learned from hundreds of clients, I specialize in relationship and sex therapy, and I learn from my successes. I ask at the end of every treatment, “What feedback do you have for me so that I can help clients like you better, faster, or more compassionately?” Over the years, that feedback has increased my effectiveness and reduced the number of sessions it takes for me to help couples.
Looking for more information before deciding to work with me?