It is a common complaint, and not just in heterosexual couples. I hear one partner complain that he watches porn when the partner wants to have sex. It can be hard to understand, so I decided to write a post to help people make sense of this common behavior.

This is my fifth in my How Sexuality Works series. Prior entries can be found at the links below:

• Sexuality Is a River
• What is Erotic and Why? Part I
• What is Erotic and Why? Part II
• Are We Sexually Compatible

Nature is efficient. Water flows in the direction of least resistance. Organisms of all kinds will adapt to their environment to conserve energy. This shows up in the sex and mating of animal species, like larger testicles and more sperm when there is more sexual competition among a species, but small testicles and less sperm when there is less sexual competition. When we get to humans, these principles apply too. This is one take on human sexual efficiency.

There’s a lot of concern about pornography among my clients. Many come in self-diagnosed or armchair diagnosed by their partners as “sex addicts” because of their masturbation and pornography viewing habits. I’ve written other blog entries (here and here) about the problems with the concept of porn addiction. Several professional organizations have come out formally against “sex addiction treatment,” including this statement from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, of which I am a member. I also want to acknowledge that while I’ve gendered the title of this entry, men aren’t the only ones who watch porn. However, concerns about males viewing porn are orders of magnitude higher in frequency, and so I titled this post to catch that interest.

Why do some people like pornography so much?

There are some simple answers to this question. But I’ve found they don’t calm fears in concerned clients and their partners. Those answers include, “because it is pleasurable” or “because men are more visually focused, they prefer images and videos over written material”. The one answer that does seem to cultivate some compassion through understanding is this: Porn is easy to watch.

Sex, especially with a long-term partner, may include negotiation, interpersonal communication, effort to connect, associated thoughts, conversation, and experiences related to the stressors of running and maintaining a household and/or family, as well as the clean-up, cuddling, and aftercare with that partner. This is all great stuff. It is the raw material of intimacy and long-term connection. It is wonderful that sex can bond us with a partner through all of these aspects in just one encounter. But arousal and orgasm are so amazing that they have many more capacities than only strengthening the relationship.

A partner using porn alone for arousal and masturbation might be seeking a natural stress reliever, a natural sleep aid, a natural pick me up with fewer side effects than coffee, the opportunity to passively appreciate beauty, a fantasy of being desired (or many other kinds of fantasy), an erotic boost to bring into the relationship at another time, or any of the many other positive benefits that masturbation and fantasy might provide. He watched porn because it brings the promise of all of these.

But isn’t porn or masturbation like this a problem?

Like any coping skill, if it is the only one you’ve got, then having a limited set of coping tools might be a problem, but that doesn’t make the one coping skill a problem. The problem is the limited set of coping tools.

If the person lacks the ability to connect to their partner, and that kind of emotional connection is one of the relationship agreements, then yes, that’s a problem. But take note, nothing in that sentence says anything about pornography.

Here’s a tricky objection that I hear fairly often: “If my partner is watching porn and not bringing that erotic energy to me, then I’m not okay with that. If they were watching porn and still interested in me, I’d be okay with it.” In this case, the aggrieved partner sees pornography as taking something away from them that they desire very deeply. They see porn as getting in the way of their relationship needs being met. Almost every time, though, as I dig deeper into the couple’s lives and learn more, there’s a deeper issue at play, but it is hard to see. That is, there’s an imbalance in the ecology of the relationship. He watches porn because it is easier to do than have partnered sex. That requires a little explanation.

Water Seeks the Lowest Point

There is an ecology at play in our sexual lives. The water in a river seeks the lowest point. If we’re talking about the path of sexual interest as a river, then pornography offers a very low path. That is, very little energy is required for a person to find a conduit for sexual arousal through pornography. So if partnered sex is desired instead of pornography, there are three solutions. First, you could lower the energy investment required for partnered sex. You might tell your partner, “I’ll get a towel for the wet spot and take care of it later so you don’t have to” or “Let’s just go have quick hot sex and not worry about anything else going on for us for 10 minutes!” The erotic energy, like water, will flow in the direction of least resistance.

Second, try eliminating drains on energy for the relationship. If you and your partner have a history of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse), then having sex means getting enough arousal to get past those painful experiences. That requires a lot of erotic energy. Healing those communication patterns and becoming more generally loving and kind with each other will create a more conducive atmosphere for sex between the couple. Even then, individuals need enough water in the river of their arousal to get there.

Third, increase the water level of the river. Though some people experience an increase in sexual desire frequency under pressure, more people experience a decrease in sexual desire in light of stress. Stress diverts some of the energy we have for eroticism away. In the analogy, there is less water in our river. Sometimes, this depletes a person so much that they have nothing left for partnered sex. The little additional trickle of arousal created by a stimulating image or video can help a person access their sexuality enough to get the benefits of stress relief in masturbation but not enough to replenish their energy for partnered sex. Managing energy resources by working less, exercising more, eating right, sleeping more, reducing commitments, and taking care of yourself better can help if you have the capacity to make those changes.

In order for a person to have the water in their river so their eroticism can feed both the pornography watching branch and the partnered sex branch, they need to have enough energy and vitality left over so their energy can flow past the lowest point of porn to reach downriver and spill into the potential for partnered sex.

Practical Application

Does the person who watches porn work more than full-time? Most people have more energy and attention for partnered sex when they work less.

Does the person watching porn take care of household duties for other people often? We are often less ready for partnered sex when we’re overwhelmed with taking care of others.

How much verbal processing, interpersonal processing, negotiation, or planning does the person have to do on a daily basis? Often, people in cognitively or interpersonally demanding jobs feel too exhausted to use those skills at the end of the day. Can you work out simplified or gentle sexual invitation, acceptance, and consent negotiations to ease the process? Can you identify when the times for low demand at work are and coordinate partnered sexual time for those periods?

If These Ideas Don’t Apply to Your Situation

There may be some other situations that cause the barrier to partnered sex, too. First, if there are mental health issues like depression, ADHD, or OCD, these may play a factor in why he watches porn or does not engage with his partner. Treatment for that underlying mental health challenge may change the behavior, and because of that, porn isn’t the problem; the mental health is the problem. Second, sometimes even when there is adequate time and energy for sex, no interpersonal problems, a person might still pursue the easiest course of action. Porn is still easier to look at. In those cases, consider increasing the challenge to view pornography in non-shaming ways. For example, create an impossibly complex password on the internet router and then keep that password inside a difficult-to-access part of the home, like a box high up in a closet. If the person wanting to view pornography has to work to get access to it, they may find that today it would be easier to hit on their partner instead.

Just keep in mind, the problem isn’t pornography. In order for me not to eat a whole bag of chips, I need to do something like this, too. I keep the chips in the cupboard, and if I want some, I have to put a predetermined amount in a bowl, then put the bag back in the cupboard. Chips aren’t the problem. I’m just naturally inclined to eat fats, salts, and sugars as much as I can for evolutionary reasons. Since I have ready access to them, if I want to stay healthy, I need to limit how many I eat. Since we’re also inclined to preserve energy, a little inconvenience can go a long way to discourage unhealthy behaviors.

If this section still doesn’t cover your situation, reach out by writing a comment or sending me an email. I’d be curious to know what I’ve missed.

Conclusion

Rather than looking at pornography as an easy source of shame or blame, notice the ecology of the watershed for your sexual river and try to figure out how to get more water into that river in the first place. The energy we have for eroticism can only be used for eroticism after the other necessary needs are met. Our energy is a limited resource. We need to manage our lives well in order to preserve energy for watering the flowers in the fields downstream.

My first posts for this blog were a series of articles about sexual values and how they might operate in therapy for sexual issues (see the first in the series here). At that time, I was early in the development of steering my practice toward a focus on sexual issues. I knew that I needed to understand my personal sexual values, or they could interfere with treatment for clients. I decided that when personal values are difficult to avoid in therapy, it is best to acknowledge the values that you are operating under. To that end, I identified how consent, sustainability, generativity, and adaptability are values that I bring as the therapist. I wrote those posts with the intent that the transparency could allow clients to better choose whether my care would be a good fit, and as a check for me. If I can identify where my values are, I hope I can better identify when my values conflict with those of the client and therefore can be more cautious about imposing my values on my clients. I don’t know that there’s anything wrong with this approach, but I believe that I have since then learned that sexual health is a better way to guide clients who want to evaluate or change their sexual behaviors.

Treating Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior

Two colleagues of mine in the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, Douglas Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigorito, describe a treatment model for out-of-control sexual behavior (OCSB) in their book on the topic. The types of presenting issues they are treating are the same as those that may be referred to in the popular culture as sexual addictions (a term I have written about here). However, the term “sex addiction” has no diagnostic validity. Another colleague, David Ley, in AASECT has written about the problems with “sex addiction” in his book, The Myth of Sex Addiction.

One core aspect of the OCSB treatment model resolves the challenge that psychologists have in determining what defines unhealthy sexuality without imposing personal values on the client. This is a challenge in the profession because there are limited and problematic actual diagnoses for sexual behavior problems. Braun-Harvey and Vigorito resolve this dilemma by defining healthy sexuality instead of trying to define unhealthy sexuality. To do this, they utilize the World Health Organization’s definition of healthy sexuality and glean from it six Sexual Health Principles. I now use those principles extensively in my practice and will share them here with brief descriptions.

Consent

Consent refers to the willingness of all participants to engage in the sexual behavior and/or to bear witness to the sexual behavior they are engaging in. When people are engaging in nonconsensual sexual behaviors, another type of treatment (typically from a forensic psychologist).

Non-exploitation

This refers to the absence of power used to coerce consent. Some methods of exploitation include using power over (like when a boss coerces a subordinate at work into sexual favors), money (for example when someone needs money for survival so they agree to sexual behaviors to get the money), or withholding knowledge (for example, in an affair if the partner knew about the affair, they would no longer consent to the relationship with the cheating partner).

Protection from HIV, STIs, and unplanned/unwanted pregnancy

This includes allowing people to make informed decisions about the risks they take when engaging in sexual behavior with you and protecting yourself from risks to your health.

Honesty

Not everyone wants to know everything, but honesty means that everyone is informed about what is important to them. One way that I’ve learned to talk about this principle with my clients is to ask about what the explicit and implicit commitments of the relationship in question are and whether they include informing the person about the behavior in question. Most of the time, my client has a fairly clear response that helps them understand whether withheld information is more about privacy or more about secrecy.

Shared Values

This includes shared values from the community level to the interpersonal level. So, behavior abiding by shared values is legal and abides by the relationship agreements that have been made between partners. I still have some challenges with the legal aspects of the “shared values” principle, as I have described more completely in my entry on (Sexual Values That Didn’t Make The Cut). However, looking at shared values as a lens on whether the client will experience shame or other mental health consequences of their behavior, and therefore whether it will be healthful, this principle is spot on.

Mutual Pleasure

This doesn’t always include orgasm, but it may. This doesn’t always include simultaneous pleasure, but it may. When I’m working with individuals, this principle is still relevant because sometimes, challenges arise in a person’s sexuality because they don’t allow themselves pleasure, and they don’t acknowledge and accept what does bring them pleasure. When doing relationship therapy, I make sure that each person is allowed the freedom to have an individual erotic landscape and to find pleasure in their shared activities.

Conclusion: Sexual Health Guides Treatment

After several years in practice, my personal sexual values haven’t changed, and if you are interested, you can read about them starting with this article, Sexual Values: One Therapist’s Provisional Set. I examined those values and wrote about them originally because I thought that being aware of them would help me insulate my clients from my biases. I also thought that broadcasting them would help potential clients determine whether I’d be a good fit for them. However, now that I have been exposed to Braun-Harvey and Vigorito’s excellent exposition on treating Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior, I can use a more empirically validated set of therapeutic principles for the care of my clients and their sexual health.

Sex Addiction V. High Sex Drive

One challenge with the term sex addiction is that it is very hard to objectively differentiate sex addiction from a high sex drive. Most human behaviors and characteristics, from IQ to physical skill, are distributed in normal populations along a bell curve. So when a characteristic is distributed along a bell-curve in a population, who gets to decide where the cut of line is between “normal” and “abnormal”. Clinically, the distinction between “functional” and “impairing function” is a little more useful, but in the area of sexuality, the features that define whether a behavior is functional are a complex mix of the individual’s behavior, the social-relational response from others, and the emotional response from the individual. I will use the example of two vignettes to illustrate the impact of these factors.

Imagine Farrukh and Cheng, both 32-year-old males. Barring partnered sexual activity, both men report masturbating twice a day. Both present for therapy, saying that their partner has asked them to come to therapy for sex addiction. Both report significant shame at their behavior.

Farrukh

Farrukh masturbates once in the morning. Sometimes this is after his alarm goes off, at other times, he might masturbate in the shower. Farrukh is never late to work and has enough time in his morning routine for this masturbation habit. Farrukh uses a lubricant at times and reports that he hasn’t hurt his penis with his masturbation since he was a teenager, and is still figuring out how to do it without hurting the skin. In the evening, he masturbates again. Sometimes, this is right after work, and sometimes before falling asleep in bed. He sometimes watches pornography while he masturbates in the evening. He has no trouble with foregoing masturbation in lieu of partnered sexual activity, though he says that sometimes he prefers to orgasm by masturbation because his orgasms are stronger that way. His partner is disgusted by Farrukh’s “compulsive” masturbation and feels that he is out of control. She caught him in a lie recently when he told her that he wasn’t masturbating as much, but she found evidence that he had been. Questions in the intake interview reveal that Farrukh does not masturbate at work or other compromising settings, does not view pornography that is outside his values, he goes to the same site every day, and has so far not found that he is searching for more intense pornography. Farrukh is also able to identify the differences between porn and real sex. Yet, Farrukh feels ashamed of his behavior, as it is hurting his partner, and that he is bad for masturbating. Consequently, he tries to hide his masturbation from his partner and feels even worse when he is caught.

Cheng

Cheng experiences a very different pattern for his masturbation. He masturbates whenever he can during the day, sometimes to orgasm and sometimes not. In addition to masturbating in his home in many different locations, he also reports masturbating in his car, in bathrooms at work, sometimes in secluded public spaces if he thinks he can get away with it. He reports that he has had some close calls and nearly been caught masturbating in public before. In addition, he reports watching pornography that he says is sometimes shocking to him. He says he gets bored with seeing the same old stuff. Cheng is willing to have partnered sex but says his partner is boring and not adventurous enough for him. Cheng’s descriptions show that he is clearly comparing real sex to pornography. Cheng also reports that he injured his penis a couple of years ago by masturbating in such a way that he tore his frenulum. Cheng’s partner is scared that he will get caught, but also reports being humiliated by the fact that Cheng prefers porn to partnered sex. Cheng feels very ashamed of his behavior, says that he can stop masturbating for periods of time but always seems to return to it, and that, because he fears the reactions from others, he continues to try to hide his behavior at home and at work.

Check your own assumptions at this point. Which of these men is a sex addict? Neither? Only one? Both? Both men have several signs that are supposed to indicate sex addiction, including frequently seeking sexual activity, negative impacts on the relationship, secretive sexual behavior, lying, and shame.  Yet for each person, I can identify several possible explanations for the behavior that might mitigate the impulse to call the behavior addiction.

Why Farrukh Might not Have Sex Addiction

Farrukh has had enough education and self-awareness to make sure that his masturbation doesn’t hurt his body. Second, though Farrukh hides and lies about his behavior, this is in response to a critical partner. If his partner wasn’t critical, he might continue to masturbate as a matter of daily life without hiding it. Farrukh’s shame seems to come more from believing that he shouldn’t do what he is doing than from any ability on his part to identify what the negative impact of his masturbation might be. Finally, though Farrukh masturbates more frequently than many men, I see no reason to believe that I have a right to label him an “addict” just because he occupies a certain location on the bell-curve distribution of sexual desire frequency.

Are you expecting that I will now identify all the reasons that I think Cheng is a sex addict in contrast to Farrukh?

Why Cheng Might Not Have Sex Addiction

Cheng has also learned that he needs to hide his masturbation. Given that he is masturbating in public, in his car, and at work, it might be easy to label his behavior as out-of-control or potentially impairing functioning. But before I come to that conclusion, I might first explore whether he has tried to limit his masturbation to his home and what, if anything, is prohibited that. I would also want to find out how the thrill of forbidden sexual activity is a part of his erotic landscape. If it plays an important role, I might inquire about whether he has ever gotten creative about how to include playing with the forbidden in safer ways.

Cheng reports that he is bored with pornography and looks for things that are exciting and shocking. This could be seen as an indicator of sex addiction because it suggests that he has developed tolerance, one hallmark of addiction. Other possible explanations include that Cheng is intelligent enough to be easily bored, has ADHD, that most porn is repetitive, or that Cheng lacks the skills or knowledge to cultivate other ways to bring variety into his sex life. Cheng is certainly comparing his real sex life to pornography, and this is indeed a real problem with porn. But where else could Cheng learn about real sex? Who taught him about real sex? About the difference between pornography and real sex? If therapy teaches that to him, will his behavior persist in the same way?

Cheng states that his partner is boring and not adventurous, but why is he necessarily the problem? From a more kind perspective, why is this not simply a case of sexual desire discrepancy in a couple?

It is also true that Cheng harmed himself with his masturbation process. But who taught Cheng to masturbate? Who taught him how to care for his penis or warned him of the risks of tearing his frenulum? Who taught him to use lubricants when masturbating?  If he had better sexual health education, would these negative consequences have come to him? Given that he didn’t have that education, does that make him an addict?

One hallmark of addiction is that a person tries to quit but returns to the behavior. But sexuality can’t simply be eliminated. It is true that some aspects of Cheng’s behavior are challenging in his relationship, but trying to make him eliminate his sexual expression will not be a sustainable solution that allows him to retain his sexuality. This is true because it is impossible to eliminate his sexuality from him. And that fact illustrates a key difference between sexual behavior and substance use. The substance can be eliminated from the person’s life, but our sexuality goes with us everywhere

Finally, it is not only Cheng who needs to come to terms with the existence of his sexuality. His partner will also need to do that if they are to stay together. While there may be many ruptures in this relationship because of Cheng’s history of lying, secrets, and their mutual lack of sex-positive attitudes, repairing those bonds will not be complete in my opinion unless they find a way to accept Cheng’s sexuality (with more sustainable expressions) as one part of the relationship between them.

As you can see, in Cheng’s case, I would certainly recommend treatment to help him make a lot of changes to improve his mental health and relational satisfaction. But is this an addiction? The treatments I would primarily offer include education, acceptance, skill building, finding paths for expression, and open discussion with his partner. These are not hallmarks of addiction treatment. I might use some tools that I learned when I did treatment for addictions, like encouraging him to have a plan for how to channel his sexuality into healthier avenues if he is inclined to repeat behaviors that could get him arrested, like masturbating in public. Yet I might also use these tools when I have clients with other challenges that have nothing to do with sexuality or addiction.

Conclusion About Sex Addiction

Clients like Farrukh and Cheng come to treatment because something about their sexuality is not bringing them joy. Can treatment help? Yes, I believe it can. Does it matter whether we say that the treatment is for Sex Addiction or Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)? I believe that it does. When we talk about addiction, we think that recovery means abstinence, yet recovery from Sex Addiction does not mean abstinence from sex, though it might mean abstinence from specific sexual behaviors. In addition, because shame and self-loathing are such a toxic component of the OCSB process, I am cautious about using a label that might contribute to someone with this experience considering their body or the body of their lovers to be the “substance” of addiction and therefore a source of anxiety. I want my clients to walk out of my office embracing their sexuality in joy-generating ways.

I treat many different kinds of sexual issues for men and women, including OCSB/sex addiction. If you live in California and are interested in working with me, contact me. 

2019 Sex Addiction Update:

A consensus is emerging in the field of sex therapy against the sex addiction model. As one example, read this statement from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists:

Founded in 1967, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) is devoted to the promotion of sexual health by the development and advancement of the fields of sexuality education, counseling and therapy. With this mission, AASECT accepts the responsibility of training, certifying and advancing high standards in the practice of sexuality education services, counseling and therapy. When contentious topics and cultural conflicts impede sexuality education and health care, AASECT may publish position statements to clarify standards to protect consumer sexual health and sexual rights.

AASECT recognizes that people may experience significant physical, psychological, spiritual and sexual health consequences related to their sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors. AASECT recommends that its members utilize models that do not unduly pathologize consensual sexual behaviors. AASECT 1) does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2) does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education delivery, counseling or therapy.

AASECT advocates for a collaborative movement to establish standards of care supported by science, public health consensus and the rigorous protection of sexual rights for consumers seeking treatment for problems related to consensual sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors.