Low desire is the most common sexual issue I work with. Therefore, this is the issue I have the most experience with and the most tools to work with. I have extensive training in working with couples around differences in desire. So, whether you come in as a couple or an individual, I feel confident. When providing therapy for low libido, we have to start by figuring out which type(s) of low desire you experience.
How Little Desire = Low Libido?
A lot of people will try to compare themselves to other couples or other people they know to assess whether they have a low libido. They think, “Oh, that person wants sex so much, what’s wrong with me?” And then they try to see what those people do to keep their desire high, thinking that will help them increase it.
The problem is, therapy for low desire is almost always:
- Contextual: That is, we are experiencing low desire relative to our partner or relative to how frequently or intensely we used to desire it. If you feel this is too little desire for you, or your partner feels your desire doesn’t match theirs, that’s what usually brings people to my office.
- Subjective: If you want sex 3 times a month, there are some people who think you are already a high-desire person. And there are other people who will think that is so little. See how subjective it is? While we have data about how often couples have sex on average, none of that tells you whether your level of desire is healthy for you.
So, let’s imagine that you actually do want more desire and you’re seeking therapy for low libido. How do we treat it?
Types of Low Libido
First, we need to determine which type of low desire you experience. Do you recognize your type in the list below?
- “I once had a passionate sex life, but the fire is gone.”We’ll probably need to use the reconnecting and rekindling tool kit. It is also possible that your desire has changed over time, and what works now is different than what worked in the past.
- “I’m too stressed to think about that.”We’ll probably have to address systemic issues, develop healthy compartmentalization strategies, and increase engagement with your partner.
- “I have never really understood or enjoyed sex.”We’ll probably need to do a little more assessment and exploration so we’re not just telling you how you should feel while missing what’s authentic for you.
- “My desire is fine… except when it comes to my partner. We’ve been through so much that it’s now hard to feel passionate.”We’ll probably need to do some emotional recovery from the pain of the past. Sometimes that means talking about what happened. Sometimes, we just focus on making things feel more connected today.
- “My desire is fine, but my partner’s desire is so much stronger or lower that it is causing problems between us.”Since feeling pressured isn’t very sexy, we’ll have to stop that first. Then we’ll need to help you connect to your erotic life on your terms. Only then will we work on helping you connect your desire to your partner’s.
Alright, Dr. Eric, but how do you treat it?
Common Interventions in Therapy for Low Libido
Here’s a list of common interventions I use:
- PLISSIT: This is the standard sex therapy model. The Acronym stands for:
- Permission giving – For example, sometimes having a professional tell you it is okay to watch Bridgerton or Heated Rivalry (even if you’re a straight woman) removes shame and empowers action.
- Limited Information – For example, teaching women that 70% of women don’t orgasm through penetrative sex, normalizes their sexual response cycle and empowers them to use marital aids.
- Specific Suggestions – For example, if a person is having a hard time finding pleasure (and low pleasure leads to low desire) I might make specific suggestions about how to increase focus, presence, and techniques for pleasure.
- Intensive Therapy – For example, sometimes I have to do a lot of couples therapy work to stop conflict patterns before there’s fertile ground between the couple for desire.
- Erotic Mapping – I’ve developed a tool for helping people map what turns them on. Using this, can normalize the person’s turn-ons. A couple both completing their maps can find out where the overlapping turns are (or just get generous about curling the partner’s toes). And sometimes we find out that what turns the person on most isn’t happening in the bedroom, and then we help the couple change that.
- Trauma Tracking – If a person has a trauma history (sexual in nature or not) sometimes it shows up in the bedroom and prevents presence, pleasure, and release. So, sometimes, we have to do a little trauma work to help people increase desire.
- Normalization – Maybe you have shame about low desire, but not a desire problem. We remove the shame, and the problem goes away.
- High-Low Desire Therapy – I have done extensive training on providing therapy for high-low desire couples, and I know how to teach them to end their negative patterns and start new patterns that support desire.
- Environmental Assessment and Change – If your life is in chaos and you spend all of your time taking care of other people’s needs, desire isn’t going to emerge very easily. That’s why one of the most common early interventions I often make is to get a low desire caregiver out of the house for 4-hours, 2 times a week. This downtime allows for a sense of self to return. You can’t have much desire if you aren’t even aware of yourself.
And more!
Reading to Support Therapy for Low Libido
If you are a reader, we may also incorporate lessons from any of the following books to help your therapy for low libido, to finding the right balance between stoking the fires and enjoying the gentle glow just as it is.
Magnificent Sex by Peggy Klienplatz
Rekindling Desire by McCarthy and McCarthy
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
And if we’re working with your male partner, I might suggest one or more of the following:
Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz
She Comes First by Ian Kerner
The Better Man by Me
When providing therapy for low libido, we’ll start by learning about your experience, then use a therapy course custom-tailored to you (and your partner), not to force you to have desire, but to create the right conditions for your desire to bloom. Contact me to find out more.
