Men’s sexual issues may include difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, pleasing a partner, infidelity, or questions about pornography, I help men explore and expand their sexual health. I’m a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists and the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and I attend one or more of their conferences every year to stay up on the most recent theory and practice.
Most men receive little sexual education that is factual. More often, our sexual education focuses on what the parts are and what sex acts are called. Increasingly, pornography is the source of sexual education for many men. This social neglect of men’s sexuality leads to men’s sexual issues. By talking frankly about sexuality in therapy sessions, emphasizing how to treat yourself and your partners, and by normalizing healthy sexuality, I help men find a path through confusion and shame to more satisfying sex and relationships.
I create an environment for you where you can move toward sexual behavior that is in line with your values, sustainable, and generous. This emphasis in therapy on moving toward health rather than away from pathology decreases shame, reduces performance pressure, and increases confidence.
Here are some of the most common interventions that I use to help men’s sexual issues.
Thorough Assessment
For all clients, I do a thorough assessment, but when we’re talking about men’s sexual issues, I customize my questions to help differentiate the source(s) of the problem. For example, is the challenge caused by a medical issue, medication, relationship problem, life stress, or an inner experience? We won’t know how to treat the challenge if we don’t really understand it. For example, I often learn more about the problem by finding out when it isn’t an issue.
Emotion Regulation
Anxiety isn’t very sexy for most people. If you’re trying to get into the flow and be carried away by the sensations, we need to help your nervous system calm down and stay in the present moment. So, for some men, what they do in the two hours before intimacy is just as important as what they’re doing during intimacy. That’s because those things might help you create the right emotional environment to be fully present and enjoy the experience.
Managing a Partner’s Pressure
Even on our first phone call, I’ll ask you about your partner’s role in the referral and the challenge. That’s because sometimes, even if the “problem” is below your waist, how your partner talks to you in the kitchen and in the bedroom may be as much of a cause for that “problem”. I’m not trying to drag unwilling or hurtful partners into therapy with you, but sometimes a little intervention for a loving but disappointed partner can be as instrumental in helping you create the results you want.
Erotic Mapping
When what’s happening in the bedroom doesn’t really turn you on, there’s no problem with the car; you’re just not putting the right fuel in the gas tank. I can help you map your present and historical arousal patterns to see if maybe a little shift in what you’re doing in the bedroom could add a little fuel to your rocket.
Depathologizing
Shame isn’t very sexy for most people. Normalizing sexual desires and capacities alone can sometimes make the difference between having a disappointing experience with your partner and being able to find what is possible for mutual pleasure.
Listening to the Wisdom of the Penis
When the starter isn’t working, and the engines aren’t firing, it may be because your emotional needs aren’t being adequately protected or met. In these cases, the penis isn’t failing you; it is telling you to go take care of a more important issue than a few minutes of pleasure and connection. When my assessment indicates you need support with managing an important aspect of your inner life, we might shift the therapy to topics outside the bedroom so that, once they are addressed, the bedroom launch pad starts firing again.
Deprioritizing PIV
I often ask men, “Do you think lesbians have good sex?” Most men respond “yes” pretty easily, and then I follow up with, “How do they do that?” We, men, can put a lot of pressure on certain aspects of physical functioning and forget all the other ways we can give and receive pleasure.
I also focus on mens’ issues that are not men’s sexual issues.
